QUESTION: We have two children, ages 7 and 10. We don’t discuss with them things like the recent shootings. When they came home from their swimming lessons, they were frightened because their friends told them what had happened. Their friends also told them, “You never know when or where a shooter will show up.” We told them things like that are done by mentally ill people who didn’t get help.

Two questions: Are we being overly protective? What is an effective way to discuss disturbing local and world events without scaring them? !

~ Heavyhearted Parents

Dear Heavyhearted Parents,

I’m so grateful you sent in this question. It’s something I think about a lot. I have a 5-year-old who I have to decide what to share and when to share it. I let the things that come into his sphere of awareness be my guide. In other words, if he’s hearing about it in school and bringing it home, then he’s ready for me to find healthy and responsible ways to explain it to him.

Most importantly, I teach him a prayer of protection: “The light of God surrounds me; the love of God enfolds me; the power of God protects me and the presence of God watches over me. Wherever I am, God is. And so it is.”

At this point in his young life, he’s memorized these words and they’re what he’s been instructed to recite when he feels unsafe.

Then I teach him that everyone doesn’t treat others kindly. Sometimes people want to do things to harm others and that is a bad choice. I teach him that when he’s in a bad situation he can call on Spirit to show him what to do, where to go, whom to talk to and whom to ask for help. His internal guidance is always at work. He can trust that guidance to lead him when he’s not in my presence.

My biggest intention for him is that he does not grow up in fear but grows up knowing that he is loved and safe and protected. And when I can’t protect him – for whatever reason – he has an Indwelling Presence within himself that will do a much better job than I could ever do. He’s never alone.

I know this isn’t an easy conversation. I’ve had time to think about it because of my role as a pastor. I encourage you to pray for the right words to give your children. Pray for the right things to give them so that their spirits open up rather close down. The times we live in are no less dangerous than the world Jesus lived in – Rome-occupied Palestine. So we are not being called to do what has never been done. We’re being called to show up just as boldly in the face of seeming danger and terror. Let us teach our children the best we know and let us realize that if they were born during this time, then they are well equipped to deal with the challenges of this time.

Richest blessings,

Rev. Sherri James

revsherri@upchurch.org

Dear Heavyhearted Parents,

You name the harshest truth that parents must face: We are responsible for protecting our kids and yet we are often powerless to see that promise through. I cannot protect them from the imaginary monster in their closet, from the bully in the lunch line, from acts of violence or chance catastrophes. My first impulse as a parent is to protect them from feelings of fear or anxiety, to shield them from thinking about these things all together (honestly, I don’t want to face these fears myself).

But they will be confronted by fear. Instead of helping them avoid it, I would rather help them through it. Their stories can help (remember when Simba was alone – but found friends when he needed them? Remember when Elsa is afraid and Anna shows her sister love?). Your family stories can help. I remind my kids of how we made it through their mom’s cancer diagnosis by leaning on friends, praying for one another and taking it step-by-step. And we made it through, stronger, together. We were terrified about the future. But we had no choice [but] to face these fears.

We do this by channeling our fear and anxiety into action – ways of redemption. Turn the lights on in the closet to show the monsters aren’t there. Be kind in the cafeteria, even to the bullies. After the Parkland shooting, my daughter participated in the walkout at LCHS. She found a voice by facing her fears. My Christian faith professes belief in a powerfully loving God. I used to think God should be powerful enough to stop bad things from happening. I now believe that it takes more power to bring redemption to the painfulness of life. To echo Joseph in Genesis 50 – to bring good out of what was intended for evil.

My final advice comes from the patron saint of my childhood, Mr. Rogers: “Look for the helpers.” It is easy to see the world as a dangerous place. We have every right to be afraid. But even still, there are those who would enter into that danger in order to help, in order to rescue and save. Tell your kids that you are one of them.

Pastor Kyle Sears

kylesears@lacanadachurch.org

QUESTIONS: I want to start by saying I love children. We have two of our own, now grown with their own families. My husband and I were having dinner at a restaurant when two children were running around and screaming. I calmly asked them to use their inside voice, which angered their parents. They told us to mind our own business. I could have answered and escalated the problem, but I didn’t say anything. Also, after that, they didn’t do anything to calm the children down and their behavior continued. Finally, a manager spoke to the parents. They paid their bill and left.

Should I have not said anything to the children and perhaps asked the manager to intervene?

– Confused

Dear Confused,

Proverbs 1:7 says, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; Fools despise wisdom and instruction.” Parenting is a difficult endeavor in today’s world. Many who are in the midst of it have not had the best examples as they were raised. The changes in society that pushed us toward individualism and self-sufficiency have taken away many of the benefits of a wider community (the village) in the rearing of children and the support of families. There are also many who are insecure in their own abilities to parent their children and so react negatively if they feel their parenting skills are being questioned.

I commend you on your offering of assistance with a kind and simple instruction to the children. Many in society would react much more negatively toward the children, parents, the restaurant or even all of them. If we would be more willing to share in the responsibility of raising our children there would indeed be great benefits for the wider society.

Your love of children, and willingness to offer a bit of wisdom, is a gift that was spurned by the foolish actions of the parents. In my opinion you acted graciously and I would encourage you to continue to care for those children around you.

Matthew 18:15 reminds us that it is best to go directly to the one(s) who are causing the situation. By abdicating our responsibility to interact with one another, we miss the opportunity to build a relationship with those around us. Relationships that have begun by working through difficulty or misunderstanding are sometimes the strongest of all.

May you be blessed in your love for children and your willingness to offer wisdom and instruction!

Blessings,

Pastor Scott Peterson

pastor@lcifoothills.org

Dear Confused,

You see you knew the answer all along. It really is not accepted to talk directly to minors with the intention of altering their behavior. For example, it is acceptable to engage them for the purpose of entertaining them or delighting them. 

Just as you suggested, I would recommend talking to someone there who is in charge, a manager or the hostess – whoever is available – and calmly make him or her aware of the situation. Then it is out of your hands.

Parents with misbehaving children are a pressure cooker waiting to blow. We don’t know what is really happening that has resulted in the tumult the children create. You don’t want to step into the middle of some situation that may be close to the breaking point. That’s what the manager is there for.

If that doesn’t work you must try to have a good time anyway. Notice something great like how wonderful it is that kids are able to run like that and enjoy themselves.          

Rabbi Janet Bieber

jbieber1155@aol.com