Reprinted from May 2022

Question: I’m retired after working for 42 years as a CPA. I’m also divorced and have two grown children. Throughout my working years, I met friends twice a week for drinks. After retiring, I found myself drinking way too much. I regularly attend AA meetings. I also am not joining my friends for drinks anymore. They nag me to join them and tell me I can have a soda or coffee. I like them but really no longer have anything in common with them. My children were happy that I went to rehab and told me they thought I drank too much when they were growing up. 

Is there a gentle way to get my former drinking buddies to understand that I’m done with that part of my life? I don’t want to hurt any feelings.

 ~ Alcohol Free

Dear Alcohol Free,

Congratulations on your months of sobriety!  You and your family must be proud! 

As we transition into new seasons of our lives, as you have through your retirement, we reevaluate life’s direction, goals and relationships, making adjustments to benefit ourselves and our future. This can create some uncertainty for those around us. Most people have gotten used to a certain routine and a certain way of relating to you. It can be hard for them to adjust when you aren’t acting as you have in the past. As you have probably learned in AA, you have to establish new habits and routines so that you won’t fall back into destructive old patterns. 

Ultimately, it’s most important to “take care of you!” When you talk to your drinking buddies, be very upfront and forthright risking their lack of understanding. By stating that you value them but cannot put yourself in a situation where alcohol is one of the components or focuses, you are setting limits and boundaries that must be respected if they want a relationship. If they value you and your friendship, they will “stop nagging” and accept and admire you for your resolve. If they don’t understand, that’s their problem (to put it bluntly). You don’t need that kind of “friend.” Focus on making and cultivating authentic friendships where your beliefs and convictions are applauded and valued, possibly with some who attend your AA meetings.

If you choose to continue any of the “old” relationships, find other activities to do and places to meet together. You could suggest a restaurant for lunch or dinner, or meet them at a coffee shop where alcohol isn’t even offered. Going to a movie or doing some other activity, like hiking, bowling, taking a walk, etc., could be enjoyable and help to cultivate a new aspect of your relationship. Who knows? Maybe you’ll find that there are others in your after work drinking group who are also looking for something beyond being “drinking buddies.”

You’ve forged a new path for your future … Keep up the good work!

Cheering you onward and upward,

Pastor Dabney Beck
dabneybeck.ss@gmail.com