Question: My mother recently passed away after a long illness. All of my life, I have been trying to find a way to forgive the terrible way she treated me and the abuses I still suffer with. Now she’s gone and I’m wondering if it’s too late to ever be at peace with what she did to me. 

Can you please help me to figure out how to forgive her? Forgiveness Seeker

Answer: Dear Forgiveness Seeker,

Forgiveness is often misunderstood. Most people that I work with don’t know how to achieve it and I want you to know that you are not alone in what you’re going through. 

None of us want to let our abusers off the hook or let them think that what they did to us was okay. We think even think that forgiving them would be like giving them a “get out of jail free card.” This is where the misunderstanding comes in. 

Forgiveness is never about denying or excusing what someone did that hurt us. It is really about us. It’s about choosing not to continue to participate in the ongoing hurt and resentment carried by us. Think of yourself as having a long rope that connects to your heart and the other end is attached to the abuses you suffered. This rope keeps you attached until you remove it. The key is in removing your end of the rope from your heart, which removes your connection to the pain. 

Forgiveness happens when you make the choice to let go of blame, anger, shame and guilt around what happened to you. Even though your mother has passed away, it is never too late to release yourself, cut that rope and find forgiveness. Here are some tools you can use which have helped many others: Write a letter to your mother, detailing all the hurts you experienced and what you wish you could forgive her for. Then, burn, bury or shred the letter in a ceremonial way. See yourself removing the rope of attachment from your heart. 

Another tool is to work with a therapist or counselor to release feelings of blame, guilt and shame, especially where the abuse has hurt your self-esteem. When we learn to live in the now, we can live our lives free of attachment to someone else’s actions and choices – but it takes practice. Remember that you have the power within you to choose to love yourself, nurture yourself and care for yourself the way you wanted your mother to. You can learn to be your own best parent to the little child within you. This is a process of releasing and embracing, which is the essence of forgiveness and personal freedom, and it’s never too late to start. 

Rev. Dr. Karen L. Mitchell, MCS
drkarenlmitchell@gmail.com