Question: We seem to be so polarized, especially politically. Oftentimes a simple dinner or family gathering becomes an angry event where hurtful things are said. How do I navigate political discourse in my family? How to Love Someone with Different Political Views

Dear Loving Someone with Different Political Views,

There is both a practical and a spiritual approach to dealing with this issue. Let’s look at the practical first. 

My sainted Irish grandmother once said that one should never discuss religion, politics or nationality at the dinner table … although I have always found those subjects fascinating. But at my grandmother’s dinner table, they were forbidden. 

Surprisingly, dinner conversations with her were always lively and interesting; ranging from travel accounts and observations to things read, or any of a myriad of interesting subjects familiar and unfamiliar. 

While you may not have any power to impose such a ground rule at a family member’s hosted event, you can (so to speak) “direct traffic” at you own. In time, it may come to serve as a general model for the entire family to observe. It is perfectly okay for you to lay down the ground rules for your own event. With your invitation, I would send the following email: “In the interest of continued family harmony and goodwill, we will not allow any discussion of politics, religion, race or nationality at our gathering. Furthermore, in any disagreement, I expect each of us to treat each other with courtesy, kindness and respect as human beings, which each member of this family deserves (in spite of any past differences, grievances, justifications or resentments). The world may diminish us but in my house, we will not diminish one another. We are family and in the end, when push comes to shove, we are ultimately our last bastion of mutual support; and the diminishing of one another within the family, especially when it is gathered together, will not be accepted or tolerated. We should be a refuge and a support to one another against all the challenges of life. We should accept, and at times even celebrate, our difference from one another as being the unique individual expressions we are in this family, and in this world. [This] contributes to the strength and colorfulness of our family as well, whatever those differences are. Harmony is the strength and support of any family, and even society at large, but more especially of ours.” 

If after receiving this a family member chooses not to come, that is okay – that is their choice. You needn’t backtrack or feel guilty. Your house is meant to be a safe place for all of the family. If they come and violate your request, let them know no invitation for any future family event you host will be forthcoming unless they promise to observe the “Rules of Family Courtesy and Respect.”

Of course, if you are not hosting the event and are merely a guest or if you have no taste for confrontation then the spiritual approach is the one I recommend. Plus, it always works. You just have to believe it so. Its principle is quite simple. Ernest Holmes, founder of Science of Mind, once observed that what we think into life is reflected back to us. In other words, our experience in the outside world actually begins in our own inner mind, in our thoughts, which are comprised of imagination, self-talk and feelings. Therefore, to change anything occurring outside us we need only change our thinking within us in the form of our beliefs and expectations. For Ernest, this all could be effectively done or created with prayer. Knowing that whatever we ask and expect from the Divine will always be given. 

So here is a little affirmative prayer to help create the experience of what you wish to see in your family or friends. Say it once a day or whenever you feel challenged until you “feel it real.”

“I give thanks knowing that the Divine is always at work in my relationships with family and friends, creating harmony, balance, mutual courtesy and mutual respect among and between us all. I know that all of our conversations are exciting, interesting and enjoyable, filled with humor, goodwill and good times. And so It Is. Amen.” 

Anthony Kelson, RScP
Center for Spiritual Living – La Crescenta

Dear Loving Someone with Different Political Views,

You are wise to anticipate disagreements; there is a wide spectrum of opinions in most families. Traditional advice is to avoid sensitive topics such as sex, money, religion and politics. That’s a good place to start. If there is going to be a large crowd you could ask some tactful family members to also be alert and intervene in any potential situations before they become full blown arguments. It’s important to clarify definitions to make sure everyone means the same thing when using a particular word. Sometimes that’s all it takes to avoid conflict.

Families have different styles – some use various substances and it’s important to monitor alcohol and recreational drug use to minimize the possibility of harmful consequences. Again, responsible family members can be assigned to be gatekeepers so children don’t wander into any dangerous situations. Encourage positive activities instead.   

Sharing old photo albums, school annuals and other memorabilia may be a lot of fun. Steer conversations toward good memories and old family stories to encourage bonding among generations. Depending on the various ages in your family you can plan arts and craft activities for children or more serious genealogical discussion and exchanging of resources with adults interested in tracing their roots. 

Food is a big part of culture and sharing recipes and cooking together can be a great way for out-of-town family members to get to know each other. 

If there are musicians in your family, plan for performances and jam sessions. Coordinate material in advance. Tech savvy family members can help those less adventuresome learn new devices and services. 

This excerpt from the American Humanist Association’s Statement on Justice, Equity, Diversity, and Inclusion may help. 

“Pursuing justice, equity, diversity and inclusion is a moral imperative for the American Humanist Association (AHA), and integral to our work as advocates. Humanist values require the affirmation of the inherent dignity of every human being as well as the related need to create a society where all can flourish and become one’s best self. We must dismantle systems of white supremacy and as humanists make it known that one of most significant organizational goals is to fight for the rights of all marginalized communities. We acknowledge that many of our organizational founders and leaders, past and present, perpetuate and benefit from current systems of oppression. While we may be seen as “progressive” in some areas, we take responsibility for often being on the wrong side of justice. That history cannot be unlived, but facing these difficult truths allows us to do our best work going forward.

We are aware that cis-white hetero-normative patriarchal institutions, power structures and social attitudes harm indigenous, black, brown, LGBTQ+, disabled individuals, women and other communities – especially those at the intersections of marginalized identities.”

More information is available on their website: https://americanhumanist.org/.

The American Atheiests organization also promotes free thought; their vision:  “American Atheists envisions a world in which public policy is made using the best evidence we have rather than religious dogma and where religious beliefs are no longer seen as an excuse for bigotry or cause to receive special treatment from the government. We fight for religious equality for all Americans by protecting what Thomas Jefferson called the ‘wall of separation’ between state and church created by the First Amendment.” https://www.atheists.org/

The Center for Inquiry is another good source for non-theistic moral advice,  https://centerforinquiry.org/.

I hope we all can figure out how to live together, to focus on what we agree on – not our differences – and, most importantly, to learn non-violent problem solving. 

Sharon Weisman, 
Secular Humanist