Question: I have actively tried to change patterns of behavior in my life that have not been good for me. I am uncertain how to change these patterns. I feel like I am making poor choices in my life and am not sure how to move in a different direction.  I am not speaking about an addiction but simply poor choices that I seem to keep making.  

I tend to want to help others, usually including with time and money, but when I do that it always seems to wind me up in a situation where I am struggling financially.  

I was taught to help others. What am I doing wrong? 

Repeater of Bad Habits

Dear Repeater, 

I think we can all relate to balancing helping others and self care. Give yourself permission to say “No” or “I can’t do that right now.” No one expects you to help if it will be to your detriment, meaning put you in a financial bind.  

You might want to explore why you keep repeating this pattern. I have found that talking to some one like a faith leader or a counselor can often help delve deeper and journey with you on discovery of why you repeat bad habits as you say and how you can begin to change those patterns so that you feel better and only help others when you truly can.  

I need a lot more information in order to make any assessment of your dilemma. I encourage you to reach out to a local faith leader or a counselor. I’m happy to talk with you further when and if you feel ready. In the meantime, take a holiday for yourself and focus on you for a bit. Self care is an important piece of wellness.  

Relax. Take care of you and get someone with a learned listening ear to work with you.  

Blessings! 

Rev. Dina Fulgoni
St. Luke’s of the Mountains 

Dear Repeater of Bad Habits,

This is something a lot of people struggle with – where to draw the line between helping others and getting sucked into an unhealthy situation. Here are a few ways to think about it:

You can always be honest and you can say “No.” If you’re unable to help without putting yourself in financial trouble, just say a kind, matter-of-fact “I’m sorry; I really can’t do that for you.” “No” is just as acceptable an answer as “Yes.”

Where most people get into trouble isn’t with helping someone once though, right? It’s that person who keeps coming back for more, who takes a little more from you each time, who takes for granted that you’ll always solve their problem for them – these are the situations we want to avoid.

And the only way to avoid them is to set boundaries early on. Decide what you’re willing to give, how much time, money or energy you have to offer and tell the person clearly up front: “Yes, I can help you pack that day but I have to leave by noon.” 

Then leave by noon! Do this once or twice and they’ll get the message that you’re not a bottomless well that they can keep drawing from, over and over. (If you need more inspiration on healthy boundaries, Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend wrote a great book about boundaries.)

It takes a little bit of strength to set boundaries, but it’s a learnable skill like any other. And it will help you make better decisions for yourself without hurting others.

The Rev Amy Pringle, Rector 
St. George’s Episcopal Church