Question: A recent gathering with my family turned into something really difficult for me. One of my adult sons “unloaded” on me, making unkind remarks, saying I’ve never been close to him. From my perspective, this couldn’t be further from the truth. I’ve done everything I can do stay in touch and help all of my children whenever I can. 

I’m having difficulty getting over this situation, questioning how much of what he said was true or is just his perception, and I’m extremely anxious because of his remarks. How does one move on from this? Stressed Mom

Answer: Dear Stressed Mom – 

I can certainly understand how the “sting” of your son’s remarks not only put a damper on your family gathering but has also fostered concerns about your relationship – and maybe even yourself. 

You have said you have done all that you can do to love him and stay connected and close to him. It seems your son has unexpressed unfulfilled and possibly unrealistic expectations of you throughout the years. 

No parent is a perfect parent. We can’t go back and change the past nor can we or should we try to “make it up to them” now or in the future as it will never be enough to make up for what is perceived as neglect or lack of love. You can only do the best you can to continue to love and support them moving in the future.

I would encourage you to take time in prayer with God. Ask the Lord to show you any place that you may have let your son down or neglected him, asking the Lord for His forgiveness. Then forgive and release yourself from any guilt you may still carry regarding your children. Also freshly release your son from any anger, unforgiveness or negative judgments you’ve made about him.  

You might suggest getting together privately to hear his grievances and beliefs about you or your parenting. Let him know you really want to hear his heart and will take his remarks seriously. Hopefully, he will respond favorably and will meet with you. Having heard what he has to say, if you feel it is appropriate at that time, you can ask him to forgive you.

Whether he chooses to forgive and release you from his negative judgements is his choice. He is an adult and needs to take responsibility for his for his own emotions, attitudes and behaviors. Hopefully, even if not during that time together he will make the choice to forgive, release his childhood hurts and misperceptions, and try to build an adult relationship with you from this point on.

As this new year unfolds, move forward rather than look back. Hopefully your son will choose to do the same.

Praying for a fresh start of relationship for you and your family this year,

Pastor Dabney Beck