Question: My teenager is constantly playing video games with his friends online and I don’t know what to do about it. It’s one of his only ways of connecting with his friends who don’t go to his school but I can tell he is addicted and I am worried about how his personality is changing. When my husband and I take away his phone or ask him to shut off his games, he becomes irritable and sullen. When the family is together, he’s constantly checking his phone, disengaged from everything going on.

I know that this is a common problem that many parents are facing. I thought we were doing a good job setting boundaries around technology but it feels like we are arguing with my son about his phone or gaming almost every day. 

Any advice for a concerned parent? Worried

Answer: 

Dear Worried,

Thank you so much for your question! Firstly, while my kids are not yet teenagers I so

sympathize with the struggle of maintaining healthy boundaries around technology usage for our kids. On the one hand, we want to embrace the gift that technology is – how it helps us stay connected, improves productivity and facilitates mobilization around issues that matter – and yet, it’s hard not to lament the ways in which tech has made us more disconnected. I see the dopamine effect take place in my (still young) kids when we shut off the screens to a chorus of wailing and whining, so I can only imagine how much harder it must be for teens who carry a tiny computer – with access to the entire world wide web – in their pockets at all times.

I think it’s important not to react with fear or hopelessness. We can trust that the Lord who is sovereign over all things (Psalm 103:19) knows our struggle and is with us in the midst of this particular social landscape. He understands how unfettered access to screens and social media are affecting us – kids and adults alike – and wants to lead us with His wisdom. God did not offer a life free of hardship but promises His unfailing presence in these challenges. We can rest assured that He is truly our ever-present help in times of need (Psalm 46:1) and will give us wisdom, patience and strategy as we lay our burdens before Him in prayer.

So, that would be my first encouragement to you: Lay your burdens about parenting before the Lord, including the issues of technology and otherwise. 

I know that can sound so trite (“Just pray!”) but God promises to hear the prayers of His people; and not just hear, but to act on behalf of those who humbly call out to Him (Psalm 50:15). We can bank on His promises – He is a trustworthy Father (Hebrews 6:18). Raising children is truly the hardest job in the world; there is no guidebook for your particular child; the world is changing so rapidly and we’re surrounded by dozens of dissenting opinions about what is “best” for their development! But the Lord’s voice offers clear guidance against a backdrop of chaos (Isaiah 30:21).

My second piece of advice is straight from the bestselling book on this topic, “The Anxious Generation” by social psychologist Jonathan Haidt. Haidt would encourage communities of families to get behind four norms that would make significant impact: no smart phones before high school, no social media until 16, phone-free schools and more independence and embodied play in the real world. So try to find a community of like-minded parents in your circles and commit to delaying smart phones and facilitating more in-person engagement for your children. God has made us with a body, mind and spirit, and we must connect with each other in an embodied way – not over a screen or text. The joy and satisfaction we experience from being in the presence of others cannot be replaced with a technologically mediated encounter.

Finally, I love that Haidt’s clear advice is one of collective action because God has made us to be in deep community with others; we cannot go it alone. It will be extremely difficult to be the only parent who is limiting online gaming or delaying social media usage because the social isolation these teens experience is real. Therefore, a collective buy-in is necessary to create meaningful and lasting change. If you’d like to engage with other parents on this topic, I’m currently co-leading a class on this very issue and we’d love for you to join (Wednesdays from 6:15 – 7:30 p.m. at La Crescenta Presbyterian Church – please email dot@lcpc.net for more info).

Praying for our community as we tackle this issue together and create a healthier future for our kids.

Blessings,

Dot Kim, Director 
Children & Families
La Crescenta Presbyterian Church