Question: My daughter-in-law is not speaking to her mother. From what I understand, there is a disagreement about politics. My son is at his wit’s end because always in our family we believe it’s okay for people to have their opinions. Because of this their family is missing out on family gatherings that include their two young children. The kids miss their grandma and we just tell them that soon everything will be okay.

Please help us sort this out in a way that’s helpful to everyone.

Signed,
Anxious Mom

Dear Anxious Mom,

Most of the world is torn by politics, so your family is not alone. My only suggestion is to email everyone involved and say that talking about politics is not going to be allowed at family gatherings and that everyone needs to agree to disagree. Be sure to mention how much the children miss seeing grandma!  

Carolyn Young, LCSW

Dear Anxious Mom,

 I don’t blame you for feeling anxious about the situation. It’s never helpful when someone responds to disagreement with the “silent treatment.” Interestingly, my church was just part of a conference that taught people how to listen and respond in the midst of contentious issues and disagreement. It is possible to truly listen to people we disagree with and still hold to what we believe – without cutting out people from our lives.

Unfortunately, your daughter in-law does not seem to have developed these skills with her mother. Granted, the political issues of today’s culture are increasingly divisive. And your daughter in-law may have a history of

unforgiveness or a pattern of not being heard by her mother. Either is a huge block to having a healthy relationship.

As a Christian, my first response would be to pray, asking God to bring a softening of hearts and a willingness to listen and understand one another. That’s all you can really do. 

When it comes to your son, the advice I would recommend is first to not cater to his wife’s childish behavior. He should interact with his in-laws as much as he can as if everything is fine. Second, he should find the right moment to gently confront his wife’s behavior. Family is more important than any political topic.

If the problem is a two-way street with his mother-in-law imposing her views where they are not wanted, he should help his wife negotiate acceptable boundaries with her mother – things like agreeing to disagree, or agreeing not to discuss certain issues for the sake of peace. 

If it is any comfort, you are not alone. The reason our church conference chose our topic is because the divisive issues of the day are affecting many of our relationships.

Shalom to your extended family.

Father Rob Holman
St. Luke’s Anglican