QUESTION: This is our son, “John’s” first year of college and we just found out his roommate smokes pot. We raised our kids to stay away from drugs and we’re quite upset about this. We want him to be assigned another roommate and he has asked us to stay out of it because he has the resolve not to smoke pot nor take drugs. After spending literally years keeping John and his two younger sisters from participating in the drug scene, we’re afraid he’ll be convinced smoking pot and taking drugs is okay. Should we do as John asked and just stay out of it? – Feeling Helpless

Dear Feeling Helpless,

Let me encourage you. One of the most powerful things we can do for our children is pray for them. Our ability to protect them lies not in controlling how they do life but rather in trusting the presence of God within them to guide, guard, protect and prosper them. The most powerful protection we can give our children is a word of prayer. So, when you think of your son and when you think of his living environment, do not simply hope for the best. Worry prospers no one. Instead, speak a power-filled word of faith for his ability to make good decisions and to be a positive influence on his roommate.

In truth, the prayers we pray for our children far outweigh the things we say. So, let this moment be an opportunity for you to lean in on your faith. Lean in on your trust that your son is divinely guided and will make good decisions now that he’s in college.

Richest blessings,

Rev. Sherri

revsherri@upchurch.org

Dear Feeling Helpless,

As I read your letter, I thought of the Proverb (22:6):  Train a child in the way he should go and when he is older, he will not depart from it.  Late adolescence and early adulthood are times of proving this teaching.  The responsibility of the child is to understand the lessons given by parents; the responsibility of the parents is to trust that the child understands.  Yet, in this liminal stage, we must navigate two worlds:  one of providing roots and one of providing wings.

I suppose my first question would be:  do you trust your son?  And second:  do you trust your instruction?  The hardest reality that I face as a parent is these two questions.  However, while I am responsible to them –by giving them love, support, and trust–, I am not responsible for them –their decisions, their friendships, their vocations.

Drugs and alcohol were not a part of my life growing up, nor are they a part of my life now.  Yet, I have friends who make them a regular part of their life.  I also have friends who once used drugs or alcohol as a coping device and now are sober.  Navigating these realities is part of adulthood, and another part of the lessons your son must learn.

If your son feels capable of being in this environment without succumbing to its pressure, I would suggest you trust him.  Create space for him to check in with you if he needs it –not you checking in on him, necessarily.  Can he come to you for guidance if he slips up?  Or would he choose to hide his mistake – and potentially go further without guidance?  With increased autonomy, your relationship with your son will change.  What new expression of your love and support can carry him through these next few years?  What sort of parent must you be for him now that is different than what you have been?

Pastor Kyle Sears

kylesears@lacanadachurch.org

QUESTION: After raising three wonderful, successful children and finally retiring, we’re going to sell our house, buy a motorhome and travel to places in the United States we’ve never been. For whatever reason, this is unsettling to our kids. One of them told us we were “selling the family farm.” Even though we’ll be traveling, we’ve assured all of them we plan to attend family gatherings for holidays and special events. What else could we possibly tell them to put their minds at ease? – Happy Wanderers

Dear Happy Wanderers,

How long do we have to wait in life to do what it is we are called to do?  When is it the correct time to follow our wishes and do what we want to?  Certainly, one could argue, that it could be when you have raised, “three wonderful, successful children,” and are, “finally retiring.”

On the other hand, who is first in line when someone suggests, ‘hey, let’s change the status quo and reorganize all the things about us that you know and rely upon.’  Change is difficult and no one generally volunteers for it.

The kids are only trying to hold on to their childhood memories and reassure themselves that the life they knew as children is still there, just as they remember it.  They further dramatize their status by calling your moves to shed your present life, “selling the farm.”

Tell them that this is actually good for them because what is good for you is ultimately good for them.  They want to see you content with your life and you are ready to be the, “Happy Wanderers.”  As long as you have provided for your future enough to assure yourselves and your children that you will have the where-with-all to come home when you are ready and set up another place to live.

It really is great that your children find your presence so reassuring.  Tell them that, “all beginnings are difficult,” [from the Talmud] and that change makes most people nervous.  Tell them that even though you are selling the house they grew up in, their childhood lives on in all of the family memories and in pictures.

Time to explore new horizons and wake up in places you’ve never been before.   [I hear Canada is beautiful too.]

Happy Wandering!

Rabbi Janet Bieber

Dear Happy Wanderers,

Congratulations on your retirement and exciting plans for the future. I feel somewhat prepared to answer this question, as my parents decided to do the same thing when the last child was out of the family home. They spent many years traveling throughout the US and Canada, meeting new people and seeing new places. It takes great preparation and pre-paring down of possessions to make the lives of happy wanderers actually fit into the new reality of having your home on wheels.  And of course, there are plenty of stories from the Bible that speak to heading out into a new land and the new lives that are created, so know that you are not the first ones who have wandered off to see new things—although the Israelites may have spent more time in the wilderness if they had motorhomes.

However, the concerns of your children speak not only of their concern for you in your travels, but also of a change in their lives of seemingly no longer having a “family home” to return to. Especially if your home was often the central place for gathering the family together, it will leave a void in their lives and they may even feel a bit displaced, even if they have been out of the house for some time. But it is also an opportunity for them to receive pieces of your “home” as you pare down what you will actually be able to take with you. They can receive treasures surrounded in memories and love, as you share pieces of your family life with them.

They will also be able to begin to take responsibility for building their own family homes as places of invitation and hospitality as the holidays and events come around. And how exciting will it be to share stories of your adventures and show pictures of the places you have been as you gather around a new “family hearth”. Who knows, it may even spark a sense of adventure and love of travel in the generations to come.

One of the children’s other concerns may be around knowing where you are in your travels. It may ease their minds if you are able to use technology to share your location with them. Any number of GPS app possibilities are available to help them keep track of you, and they may even begin to create their own stories of what you are experiencing as they see the places you visit.

Talk together, plan together, and begin this great adventure together.

And let the wandering begin!

Pastor Scott

pastor@lcifoothills.org