QUESTION: My brothers, sisters and I have always gotten along very well. There was never any sibling rivalry. Now we’re in our 60s and 70s and, for the first time ever, two of our brothers (twins) are at odds with each other. One of them was exhausted from helping his daughter move and, when his twin asked him to help him move, he said he wasn’t going to.

To me, it seems so trivial to make an issue of this, but now they’re not speaking. I’m the oldest. Should I intervene or just let them work it out?

~ Big Sister

Dear Big Sister,

First of all, I want to say what a blessing it is that for most of your adult years your siblings and you have all gotten along so well. Most families could not make that claim. Romans 12:18 reminds us, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”

It can be hard to know what your place is with the existing situation. As the oldest, it is easy to feel we have the responsibility to intervene with our younger siblings since it could eventually affect the entire family if it continues. Because we care about our families and do not want to take sides and pick up another person’s offense, this is challenging! Even if one is more correct than the other, we must let them know that we care about each of them equally and want to see their relationship healed.

In my experience, prayer is the best stance you can take unless of course they invite you into their disagreement. Interceding for each of your brothers and asking God to heal their hearts is critical. Our very real adversary works hard to bring division and disunity to our families. The key for us is in always remembering that the battle is won on our knees! Because we care, we oftentimes step across boundaries and pick up false responsibility that is not ours and, at times, could even make the situation worse. Learning how to submit our cares to God and remembering that God cares about our families is vital. After all, He created them.

My prayer for you is that God would give you the wisdom to place this in His hands and, if given the opportunity, to create a safe place in which one or both brothers can talk and release their hurt without fear of judgment. As a big sister you might just be the one they choose to confide in.

May the Lord guide you in this season ahead, heal your family by the power of His love, and bring even greater unity and joy for all as you look to Him.

In Christ Love,

Pastor Debbie Sayovitz

debbiesayovitz@hotmail.com

Hi, Big Sister,

I can read that your desire is for the love and unity in your family to prevail, and to see your twin brothers not speaking to each other seems to be breaking your heart.
As the youngest in my family, I can share with you that I grew up not appreciating the interventions from my big brother when issues came up at home. So to intervene in your twin brothers’ situation is not what I would recommend.

I would not recommend to sit back and do nothing either because we are called to be instruments of healing and reconciliation in the world. I invite you listen to each of your brothers separately.
You can start the conversation by saying: “I know that you and our brother are not talking to each other, and that is very unusual because you are very close. Could you share with me what happened? I am not hear to judge you, or to tell you what to do, I am just here to listen.”

Show interest and curiosity when listening by saying things like, “Tell me more about it,” or “What do you think makes you feel that way?” Avoid the temptation to provide advice or to emit any opinions.

Once you have listened to both and, if you consider that there is a willingness for resolution, you could ask each of them if they would like to sit with you and have a conversation about what happened. As humans, many times we can hurt each other unintentionally. When we don’t talk about it, we develop scenarios in our mind then go into a defensive or protective mode, and this distances us from each other. Having an opportunity to express how the other hurt us, and to be listened to without judgment, is a step forward in the process of healing.

I will keep you and your brothers in my prayers, asking for God to provide you with the wisdom to have these courageous conversations, and for the spirit of healing of reconciliation to be with all of you.

Father Antonio Gallardo

agallardo@stlukeslacrescenta.org

QUESTION: Our daughter, Jean, and her husband, Tom, are successful and very busy, each owning their own business. Tom was sent to boarding school growing up, as were his two younger sisters. Now Tom wants to send their only child, a girl age 12, to boarding school. His argument is that it’s too difficult for busy parents to monitor a teen’s activities. He thinks our granddaughter will thrive in that environment. We, her maternal grandparents, and Jean do not agree.

This has become a major problem. We don’t meddle or argue with Tom ¬– we just listen to what our daughter has to say. Please help us sort this out.  ~ Concerned Grandparents

Dear Concerned Grandparents,

I understand parents wanting to make what they consider the best choices for their children. I sent my only daughter to a private Christian school from grades one to nine. When she went into the next level, she was a fish out of water as far as bonding with kids who had grown up in school together. She went to Options for Youth instead of high school. Later in her young adult years she told me she wished she had gone to public school from the beginning of her school years. My first thought was “All that money spent on private school, thinking I was doing the best for her…” As parents, we make what we think are the best choices for our children at the time.

What does your granddaughter want to do? I know [age] 12 may seem too young to make her own choices, but kids are so much more mature today. How is her behavior and sense of responsibility and her grades in school now? Perhaps the parents can talk to their daughter and offer her a choice of living at home and going to school and see how she does. I offered my daughter her own choices, which sometimes made me crazy, but she is now an independent woman, very successful, and I know she can take care of herself, which gives me peace of mind.

Giving children – teenagers – responsibilities and the chance to prove themselves pays off when they become adults. Perhaps she can help her parents with their business in some ways. That could be helpful to the parents and what a great way to teach children responsibility for their own future!

Time moves so fast and your child is an adult before you know it. Darn it! Enjoy them through the years, love them, teach them responsibility and the payoff and rewards can be great as parents.

Wishing everyone the best outcome in this situation.

Blessings,

Laney Clevenger-White, Religious Science Practitioner

laneycl@ca.rr.com

Dear Concerned Grandparents,

What grandparents wouldn’t want their only granddaughter close by? Boarding school is a grandparent’s nightmare! And since you wisely don’t meddle in the affairs of your daughter and son-in-law, you’ve asked me to do it for you!

We are all far removed from the days of “Father Knows Best” (that used to be a TV show). Everyone who reads this will second guess dad’s wishes. I certainly did. The wise woman who made sure I got this particular letter from concerned grandparents knows that I am the father of an only child, a daughter. The moment she was born and I held her in my arms, I knew I had to change the world for her. And so I began. And I have not stopped. And now, to my surprise, she is doing the same.

There are many missing pieces to this puzzle. For example, you haven’t mentioned your granddaughter’s feelings about this. Some 12 year olds already want out of the house. Does she really want to go to boarding school? Is there something happening at home that needs to be gently and professionally discussed? You mention that the parents’ businesses are successful, that they both are very busy, and Tom’s view that monitoring a teen’s activities will be very difficult. There is a name for this difficulty. It’s called parenting.

One child. They grow up so fast. They’ll be gone so soon. Only six years until she’s 18. It sounds like boarding school really helped Tom and he wants this for his daughter. I’ll bet he has a school in mind. I won’t automatically reject his wishes or second guess his motives. I’ll assume he has her best in mind. I just know that, for myself, if my daughter had to be in boarding school, I’d move and find a way to enroll in her school as some kind of “special student” just to be near her.

Maybe your granddaughter is worth a good family fight. If your daughter agrees, maybe you all should lay your cards on the table. But the final decision belongs to mom and dad.

Pastor Jon Karn

Light on the
Corner Church, Montrose

pastorjon@lightonthecorner.org