The smoke may have cleared from last night’s fireworks extravaganza in the skies above our bucolic valley, but now it’s time to fire off a barrage of mental-mortar rounds from my own smoke-filled mind. Wonder along with me, if you will:
I wonder … why they give names to hurricanes (alphabetically as the season progresses) but not to tornadoes? Is it because hurricanes go on for many days and a tornado lasts only minutes or hours at most? Come to think of it, why not name earthquakes? That might make them even more memorable. Instead of having survived the Northridge earthquake of ‘94, you could say, “Son, I lived through Earthquake Edna. Now, that was a tooth rattler!”
I wonder … how I can score an on-air job at NBC television, then get fired shortly after signing my contract and paid a boatload of cash just to go away? Last week’s news (fantastically welcome, I might add) that “Today Show” co-anchor, Ann Curry has accepted a $10 million buyout of her three year contract signed only a year ago to leave the show comes after the same network paid former late night host Conan O’Brien a reported $45 million when it fired him in 2010. Hope the peacock network keeps its checkbook open, ’cuz my resume’s on the way.
I wonder … how the U.S. has become so morally bankrupt that there are several noisy movements to ban all military recruiters from high schools, but it’s hunky dory for Planned Parenthood to open up branch locations on campus (Roosevelt High in Los Angeles for example) to provide abortion services to minors. Apparently, killing unborn babies is more politically correct than training soldiers to protect our freedoms and vanishing liberties. Here’s a thought: why not train abortionists to infiltrate al Qaeda?
I wonder … with all the bleeding edge, ultra-tech equipment and über-sophisticated methods required to train the world’s best Olympic athletes, why are competitors’ names/numbers still attached to jerseys with safety pins – old world technology first patented in 1849? I mean, can’t somebody design a better attachment device out of carbon fiber, or titanium or even the ubiquitous Velcro? There’s a fortune just waiting to be made, inventors.
I wonder … how New York Nanny … oops, I mean, Mayor Bloomberg thinks he’s going to save his loyal subjects from self-inflicted obesity by banning large-sized soft drinks? So, now New Yorkers will be able walk into any Burger King this summer and order the new bacon-vanilla-caramel-and-fudge sundae (yes, you read that correctly – bacon), but it’s okay, because at least they can only get a small soft drink to go with that artery-clogging combo. And don’t worry that New Yorkers will no longer have anything to put in their vehicles’ cup holders. No siree, Bob. Because even now McDonalds, Popeye’s and others are developing menu items featuring battered and flavored chicken parts with dipping sauces that come in containers designed to fit cup holders for more convenient calorie intake while texting and driving. There’s gonna have to be a new law against driving while bloated.
I wonder … did I hear correctly? After the baby chimpanzee at the L.A. Zoo last week was killed by an older alpha-chimpanzee, grief counselors were provided for zoo patrons who witnessed the display of nature in its often-violent reality. Grief counselors? I’ll say it again … grief counselors? Life in the animal kingdom ain’t pretty, folks. They don’t say, “It’s a jungle out there” for nothing.
I wonder … if anyone else but me ever worries that their relatives might somehow be featured on a “reality” show on TLC, A&E or the History Channel. Like Deadliest Ax-Wielding Ice Road Swamp People Cupcake Wars. Or something like that. Even so, I’m sure I’d watch.
And there you have it – a smattering of post-Fourth pyrotechnic ponderings. Hope there weren’t too many duds in the bunch and that no innocents were harmed.
I’ll see you ’round town.
© 2011 WordChaser, Inc.
Jim Chase is an award-
winning advertising copywriter and native of Southern California. Readers are invited to “friend” his My Thoughts Exactly page on Facebook. Also visit Jim’s new blog with past columns and additional
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